Little voices on the phone

Initial response after talking to my little ones after their first day of childcare:

So this is what it is like to feel anger…no it’s deeper.  It was this feeling I was trying to avoid during my whole divorce.

It was the reason I stayed so long in a marriage that I was deeply unhappy with.

Why is it whenever someone says that they love you that it is viewed as free license to behave or act in whatever way they see fit?

I remember the first time that happened.

I was seven.

It was friendship, friends do this, I love you, and than the hurt.  But I have to act as if nothing happened to keep a secret of shameful behaviors.  And so I am silent.

I am after all being wooed by love, demands and secrets.

And sadly, that is something that I have adopted as normal. For men to have the license to say or do what they need to as long as I was deluded into thinking I was loved. In all honesty they weren’t the only sick ones.

One day in my marriage I woke up.  It was either divorce or seriously just disappearing. And by that I mean running away where no one would know me or my secrets. Avoidance is my go to, my comfort.

But you can’t avoid the pain of divorce. Or is this how my ex must have felt when his perception of an unjustified divorce moved forward and our family broken. That is something I did.

I just couldn’t stand to hear the “I love you” one more time.  I didn’t want that puppet string holding onto me any more and so I cut it.

In all things civil we agreed on a 50/50 visitation. I didn’t ask for child support or alimony. I just wanted to still be the child care provider while the ex worked.

Verbal agreements, what are they? But what are marriage vows that I walked away from? I suppose in all things equal this is Karma.

But it is painful. I know I will adjust, I know I will cope. I’ve had to do it before when my daughter died, my foster son removed from our home. You think my heart would be a bit more harden. I suppose that is the grace and curse of pregnancy hormones.

It’s the limbo that scares me. Ok, ok, it’s the lack of control.  I swear that if I hear one more I love you I will lose it because every part of my being wants to scream FUCK YOU!!!! 

Some things never change.  My ex will always view this divorce as something that caught him off guard, my infidelity, my responsibility and my punishment.

Just like being seven I believe it’s  entirely my fault. This is mine to fix or mine to bear and eventually I’ll catalog the agony in the back of my brain, at least I can pray that this avoidance takes place quickly because to feel all of this…it’s just overwhelming.

Changes

Many changes are happening; some wonderful, some difficult and some a little of both.

This past weekend my boyfriend and I had a wonderful time camping with some very special people and the course of events drew us closer and opened us both up to talking, sharing fears, hopes and dreams, and I think just resolving our commitment to each other.

And what a great thing that is indeed as this morning, prior to my picking up the children I was informed that I will no longer be the childcare provider to the two little ones during my ex-husbands legal visitation time per the parenting plan.

We have a 50/50 custody plan and as he works full time during the day we had a verbal agreement that he would pay me $75/every two weeks to provide care for our children ages 4 & 6. We agreed that this was in the best interest of Kathryn and Liam.

As it is now summer he has had to drop and pick up the children from my apartment that I share with my boyfriend. During the school year he dropped off Kathryn and would than pick her up from the bus stop.
Apparently this past week he saw James in the parking lot and that didn't sit to well with him.

So call me a bitch but it is black and white from here on out, the legal visitation for the paperwork is the legal visitation. No flexibility. I can't be yanked around when it comes to the care of the kids, they need a firm schedule that they can visibly see so that they can have a set routine.

Honestly, there are a tone of thoughts/feelings running through me right now, but I think I have them sorted out.
Hey, at least I got to be there helping my little girl through Kindergarten.

Pain, Love and Moving Forward

I recently posted this little thought of mine on Facebook,
"I have held so many broken pieces of my life already.
On a few occasions I have felt like throwing them in the air and hoping that the wind would blow them away... but inevitably they land like stones at my feet. I must pick them up and hold them, looking to see what I can learn.  I lay the shards in front of me and a path is formed; not a perfect walk way by any means.  Rather it is now my work to labor, to move forward, and to no longer carry a burden of brokenness as punishment."

One thing I am learning about relationships is that there really is no normal. I can compare and contrast the good, bad and ugly but the reality is that the "normal" can only be established by the relationships that I maintain. That is the litmus test as they say.

And so I go from one relationship where arguments were few and far between (totally not normal) to one where the disagreements tend to occur on a more regular weekly basis. And after a lot of thinking I don't think this is normal either.

The disagreements are never "let's agree to disagree" and amicable but he is left feeling frustrated and not heard and I'm just confused and hurt.
One thing from my previous marriage that took years for me to learn was to not let others perception of who I am be the truth of who I am.
Sadly, if I was able to define this for myself earlier I would have been a much stronger woman.

I know I am a caring and kind woman. Yet I am told that when I ask a question such as, "Would you like to watch a detective show?" It becomes an intense one-sided conversation where I never say what I want, I ask questions to get what I want as a form of manipulation and/or deflection, and that I can't answer a simple yes or no question.  Inevitably this is followed by a quiet spell and a text telling me not to worry about lunch, chores, plans, etc. that he took care of it.

It seems that he wants me to just say what I want.

When the time comes for things that I do want I say them.  Most of the time, because we both enjoy similar things, I want to hear what he would like to do; especially on the weekends because he does work so hard for our family.  I consider it my joy and pleasure to do those family things, or couple things together. I consider it honoring him if  he also needs those alone moments as well.

But it isn't received that way. Instead what I would consider my kindness and caring is rejected and turned instead to an awful character flaw and that is just hurtful. And I will not your characterization and take on the punishment of your distrust.