I Am Present

I have had some intense meditative sessions these past few days.

Some lessons are a relief to learn but to live them is a completely different matter.

The phrase/prayer I have been focusing on is:

“The past is over; the future isn’t here so I am free from both. I am Present.”

I like this better than the cliché phrase often heard about, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift that’s why they call it the present.” Not that this phrase doesn’t have its own meaning, but my current lesson of being free from both is a perspective I had not thought of.

For one thing I reminded of the constructions I build to keep myself a prisoner. There is certainly wisdom in looking to the past and applying those lessons to the present. But I often found myself letting those memories dictate my present choices.

It is also wise to consider how ones choices will affect those we live with. However I also found that I was so focused on past memories I was projecting certain future scenarios and than making choices in what I thought would be best for others.

Initially I thought, “This is sacrifice, this is being unselfish.”

And yet after earlier meditation I realized, “This is selfish, this is not a true sacrifice.”

Because ultimately I think a sacrifice somehow is not self serving, and my choices were always to “others benefit”. The reality is that I was/am avoiding my own life.

But for the next two weeks I will be conscience of not doing this.

I will be mindful of the Present and of my presence in it. I will consciously make choices that will not directly harm others but where my actions/thoughts are my responsibility and are in accordance to my purpose.

What are your thoughts of the mantra “I Am Present”?

Five Years Ago...

Tomorrow my daughter would have been five years old.
These past years I have experienced many joys, sorrows and the gentle hum of life continuing on.

With Mychaela's birthday being tomorrow, I am discovering  that the lessons I've learned from the grief are a more integrated part of my life story.
In other words, Mychaela's  death is not as much a singular event that has forever changed me, but now her spirit and her story is woven into my life journey. Her birth and death is becoming a part  of my history and as such after five years, the loss is finally bearable.

I don't know how I'll feel when tomorrow comes, five years seems like an anniversary of  some importance, it's as if the finality is finally my reality.

I appreciate all the love and support of my friends and family.
And Mychaela, I will always love you.

 Mychaela Joelle Sloan, silently born on April 21, 2007

Spring In Full Swing

This Spring is different from past seasons.
Maybe because there is a more physical aspect to the change that has been occurring in my life.
A marriage ended, a new relationship budding.
Five years since my daughter passed and a new baby on the way.
My little ones are growing up, no longer at home with me, my eldest is in kindergarten. She is learning and absorbing so much. Each new discovery is a new joy that she eagerly shares.
The youngest is nearly four and brings such love to my life. He still cuddles close to me and yet his inner pirate leads him into new adventures where problem solving and new story lines are created.
And than my Mychaela; she would have been five this Saturday. And the guilt this year is that it is beginning to feel more like history. Her story and spirit will forever be a part of mine, but the loss is no longer as present. Instead she has gifted me with her guidance, my turmoil has been given some peace.
It has taken five years for the ten months I carried  her in my womb.
My  heart wonders how other parents/spouses are able to cope with those they lost whom they've known for much longer.

The Beat Goes On

First, let me say that I have FINALLY figured out how to use my phone as a modem and so my postings will be more consistent.
I need to write; not that I write well, but I figure that it is one the best tools in trying to maintain some sense of sanity.
My divorce was finalized in March and I have done mostly everything one should not do in this type of situation.

1) In order to get out as quickly as possible I quick deeded the house, did not take any of my ex husband's retirement or investment money from the past ten years, did not request alimony or child support (we agreed that a 50% visitation would be in the best interest our two children).

2) I had an affair and fell in love (more about that later) and we became one of the 1% of couples on birth control who are now expecting (13 weeks)

3) In the midst of all of this I am struggling to keep myself sane and whole. I am successful most of the time, but there are moments where I am completely lost.

This blog is about sharing some aspects of my life. Maybe it will help you avoid or recognize similar pitfalls that you may cross in your own journey.
So here goes:

I am a control freak; to an extent. So the idea of surrender is very scary to me and I hope that one day it will in fact be a sweet process. But for now it's practice; and that is very humbling.  Especially as one who strives to be in control is partly to prevent myself from falling and attempting to not those that I love feel the repercussions of my stumbling.

And yet, that is not quite possible.

I have recently been meditating on brokenness. When things break there is a period of time where the shards of that experience must remain in pieces. My first inclination is to throw a mask on and pretend that everything is all right. I don't want my family or friends to hurt themselves on the slivers that lay on the ground. Or I quickly try to "fix" things but this results in a shoddy rendering of what was.

Being "aware" of the physical or emotional circumstance that is broken is not enough. I have to "accept" and that will in turn lead me towards the path of surrender.

For now I mostly walk that direction with leaden feet, but at least I'm moving.