It's a little shady

Trust me, I wish I were talking about sun relief from the branches of a mighty oak, but no-I'm not that lucky.

There are very few things that when said to me set me off. In my first marriage it was being told that I was crazy.
In my new relationship it's being told that I'm shady.

I know I am not perfect, but "shady" is not a word I would use to describe my imperfections. What makes this accusation even more annoying is that it is rarely said to my face. Rather, it's sent in a text...can I just say that I think that is in one word: shitty.

There are some things I have matured in and one lesson I have learned is I will not accept others characterizations of me that are not my truth.
 If that is their opinion or their feeling than they better preface what they are going to say using that phrasing. When it is said as I fact I will reject it by simply stating I am not....fill in the blank....

It also seems that these conversations take place after something nice is done or happens. For instance the weekend was a blast and yesterday it was my son's birthday. That evening they went home to their dad's. Every Tuesday through Friday evening my boyfriend has class, so I didn't think it a big deal that I told a girl friend of mine that during that time I could look at some baby furniture.

While in route that's when I get the text, "you are shady." My usual response would be to swallow my pride and try to pacify; deep down I'm a people pleaser.
But not this time. This time I got pissed. I responded with "I am not shady. I am not an evil woman. I am looking at baby furniture." And than I did not respond to any more texts.

And later on that evening when the "conversation" took place, it didn't end so well.

Whenever there are flowers given, or a nice weekend, or a celebratory time (like my birthday) that's when this accusation of shadiness comes up and I'm growing weary of it.
I had my spirit trampled down before I will not be down trodden again.

I am a woman, I am strong, I am love, I am friend.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that

Well, these past few days have been "interesting" and by interesting I mean highs, lows and the first bought of summer depression.

I'm sure that this will be TMI so consider this fair warning:...I am sex depraved.
I am seriously considering buying a friend of the vibrating nature. Perhaps this is a bit of an over reaction from my pregnant hormones, but I can only be told no so many times.
There are so many excuses of "I'm tired" or "I'm not as horny as you" that I can hear before I start to wonder what is wrong with me?
Granted, if it were my way I'd be knocking it out every day, but I can compromise, every other day; maybe every two. But it's been nearly a week and with a full Memorial Day Weekend coming up where there will be little privacy chances are that the time line will extend far beyond.
So I'm a little bit more cranky, a little bit more retreated into myself and to be honest a little depressed.
And I don't really feel like I can talk about it.
So you get to read about it.

I realize I have more to offer than sex, but this is the time in my life where I revel in being a sexual being.  I'm a woman in her early 30's who knows what she wants and I'm pregnant. I feel beautiful and sexy. And lately it's just been my imagination and magic fingers that provide any time of release.

I hate to even entertain the thought but I wonder if it's maybe the pregnancy...I suppose it could be. I don't know.

In all things Freudian, my little guy turns four next week.
And his dad and I will be celebrating separately. The divorce in someways has been harder on Bill but maybe that's because I'm so good at building walls and because for so long I desired to be free.
And that leads back to summer depression. My children are growing up so quickly. Time passes more quickly than I care to think about.
It's a summer funk. Maybe the forest is just what I needed this weekend.
Yes, the forest and my children...the only things that are truly mine.

Many things

So, I had promised myself that I would be much better about keeping up this particular blog.
In true to life fashion there has been several things that have prevented me from writing.

One it processing information and having to move around doctor dates as James and I hope for the best in the development of our baby.
Some tests came back on a quad screen that flagged a warning for Down Syndrome as well as Trisomny  18. 
Being pregnant and already having a full term still born I of course had a mini breakdown.

Thank goodness for female friends who had a listening ear, encouragement and advice to help walk me away from the emotional ledge I was teetering on.  I love James but he wasn't helpful; at all.

After  meeting with the Obgyn as well as discussing possible scenarios I have peace for no matter what may happen.

The most exciting part is that there is new diagnostic testing that will provide a conclusive yes or no with out having to have the usual amniocentesis or the biopsy of the placenta. There is now a blood test that they do, so no harm to baby or momma, and if you need a yes or no answer, this is the way to do it!

In other news with Memorial Day Weekend approaching James, the kids and I will be at a bbq over at my parents house where they surprisingly invited my brother and his boyfriend (in the words of Nate, might as well deal with all the awkwardness at once). We have a bet on which one of our boyfriends will feel most scrutinized, bahahahaha!!!! But I'm also very proud of my parents for moving forward through their own insecurities and constructs of their religious beliefs to have all of us in their home.

Too bad I can't drink...

A Beautiful Weekend

Eventually I will figure out how to post pictures on this blog.
But for now mediocre descriptions will have to do.

This past weekend was beautiful. 
It started off with hearing my baby's heartbeat, a strong 140 beats per minute.
If anything this gives me a little peace knowing that the little one is alive and well.

So far in the name game we have Elyssa Amber if it's a girl & Christopher James if it's a boy. But that is only so far, the reality for both James and myself in finding a name just makes everything very real.

After my appointment we packed up the family and headed out to Mayfield Lake. This was Kathryn and Liam's first fishing adventure. Meant to be more for the experience and practice of baiting, casting and waiting we were all surprised when James caught a fish. Being too small to eat we released it back to the lake and with a splashing flourish the fish took off.

S'mores, hot dogs, stories around the fire, followed by a full moon. I took some time to myself and walked down to the lake where I sat and just bathed in the moonbeams.

The next day we hiked around the area. Kathryn & James took off fishing again while Liam and I took a much needed rest.

On Sunday I had another hike with my dear one and it was a muddy, fun time.  I really enjoyed the glimpses of people riding their horses on the trails and eventually we found a clearing where time could be set a side for ritual.

Some of the highlights were learning a chant, exchanging blessings with the anointing of oil, getting "leied" and an indulgence in drinking moscoto wine :)
Of course there was the fun of exploring and just being with her as well-a brief escape into the woods.

Overall, it was a beautiful weekend.

May Day Reflections

I have one very special girlfriend that I consider a lover.
Not in the sexual, seductive way; though she has those qualities.
But something deeper than the Anne of Green Gables, "bosom friend" kind of way.

It has been over five years since our friendship began the bonding process.
She was one of the few people that met me in the midst of such sorrow and despair that I only vaguely remember her presence.

She was a woman who bravely walked into my pain of delivering my still born daughter. I do not remember words that were exchanged but just her presence.
I do not know if she'll ever realize the gift of those moments.

The amazing thing is she has done this for others, being made available in their time of need.

Over the years we shared, grew, laughed, cried and vented through many things. And through it all she never judged, but would still give opinions, she never withdrew but gently guided, and she always loved me.

And so I hope you get some sense of the depth of feeling and loyalty I have towards my friend.

This past weekend my boyfriend (my lover, lover) and I went camping and explored a wilderness trail. It was fantastic! And while we were walking I kept thinking of my female friend knowing she would have relished this adventure.
We started off through a field that we affectionately labeled "Caterpillar Hill".
James and I had to walk lightly on the path as we encountered at least a hundred caterpillars soaking in the sun on the tall grassy stalks.
Than down we went into the woods, on a foot trail that revealed the creek with the beautiful waterfall.
As we began the trek back up to our campsite, dusk had come and the salamanders slithered all over the warm, muddy trail before the night came with its cooling presence.

In those moments I was completely at peace, happy, full of joy.

This weekend my friend and I will explore another trail.
This time I look forward to the celebration of summer approaching and reflecting on the blessings of being connected to such a dear one.

This May Day has birthed many things, new relationships, a pregnancy and revealed true friendships. I am truly a fortunate woman.