Al-anon, the goddess and me

If you know me than  you know that I love an alcoholic, and not any type of alcoholic, the Hekal and Jekell kind.

So in order to create some support and understanding for some of the things headed my way I have searched out Al-anon and it has been life changing. Of course, there is a Higher Power aspect, something everyone is free to choose, and despite the male centric phrasing I have asked the goddess to walk with me, because I don't know where this path will lead.

And this morning, my daily meditation was bookmarked with a piece of paper that had this to say,

I want to love you without
   clutching
Appreciate you without
   judging
join you without invading
invite you without
   demanding
leave you without guilt
criticize you without
   blaming
and help you without
   insulting
if I can have the same
   from you
we can truly meet and
   enrich each other.

When I am at meetings I do not feel so alone, it is my own coven so to speak. The place where for a little while I can put down my burden and express my joys, hopes, fears and frustrations. Where there is the ritual of prayer, the assurance of confidentiality, and encouragement to seek information and to be open with my higher  power.

There are changes coming, because life is a breathing organism that retracts and expands, death and rebirth, despair and hope.

Tonight is another opportunity for me to walk with my goddess, I've never needed her strength and inspiration more in my life.

A Little Lost

Have you ever had the feeling of being a little lost and yet you are exactly where you are suppose to be?
Yeah-I'm in that place.
It's not a "bad" or "good" place, it's one of those times where I'm trying to not be an observer of my life but to take responsibility for my stance on this path.

So here I am, a mother of three, working to provide the basics (and I feel pretty good about that). I have a fiance; except that hasn't worked out according to my plans! I don't know why I am so surprised, it is what is to be expected when one falls in love and chooses to love an alcoholic.

The difference I suppose is with James being in jail I am able to gain some perspective in this whole ugly process.  I know that I have some responsibility for not saying, "NO, you will not hurt me." Not that I am responsible for his actions, but I am for my silence.

So no more secrets, I held onto them for many years with my first marriage, a little less time with this relationship, and for the future, all I know is no more hurting Elizabeth.

Tomorrow he will have served half of his two consecutive 90 day sentences.  At first 90 days doesn't seem like much, but when you have to live them, they are.
It's a strange place to be where I miss him so much.  I really long for the "Sober James" and I hope that he exits jail with a plan, a REAL plan.
Because after 90 days he has 90 days house arrest, and 5 years probation. I hope to god that they may consider some sort of work release for him. I would really appreciate his income...but we'll see.

I've already had a couple friends choose to not be a part of my life anymore because of him. Not that I blame them, I can see where their distrust, distaste, and disappointment come in. At the same time it still hurts.
I've had others who experience the same but they still love me, they still love my kids, they are still REAL and I appreciate and respect that more than most will know.

As with most things it's a waiting game, and I'm not very patient :)