The Beat Goes On

First, let me say that I have FINALLY figured out how to use my phone as a modem and so my postings will be more consistent.
I need to write; not that I write well, but I figure that it is one the best tools in trying to maintain some sense of sanity.
My divorce was finalized in March and I have done mostly everything one should not do in this type of situation.

1) In order to get out as quickly as possible I quick deeded the house, did not take any of my ex husband's retirement or investment money from the past ten years, did not request alimony or child support (we agreed that a 50% visitation would be in the best interest our two children).

2) I had an affair and fell in love (more about that later) and we became one of the 1% of couples on birth control who are now expecting (13 weeks)

3) In the midst of all of this I am struggling to keep myself sane and whole. I am successful most of the time, but there are moments where I am completely lost.

This blog is about sharing some aspects of my life. Maybe it will help you avoid or recognize similar pitfalls that you may cross in your own journey.
So here goes:

I am a control freak; to an extent. So the idea of surrender is very scary to me and I hope that one day it will in fact be a sweet process. But for now it's practice; and that is very humbling.  Especially as one who strives to be in control is partly to prevent myself from falling and attempting to not those that I love feel the repercussions of my stumbling.

And yet, that is not quite possible.

I have recently been meditating on brokenness. When things break there is a period of time where the shards of that experience must remain in pieces. My first inclination is to throw a mask on and pretend that everything is all right. I don't want my family or friends to hurt themselves on the slivers that lay on the ground. Or I quickly try to "fix" things but this results in a shoddy rendering of what was.

Being "aware" of the physical or emotional circumstance that is broken is not enough. I have to "accept" and that will in turn lead me towards the path of surrender.

For now I mostly walk that direction with leaden feet, but at least I'm moving.