As I Roved Out

It seems as if things are at a gentle standstill; but for myself my inner spirit is truly fire.

I have taken very few moments for myself as of late and there are a multitude of reasons for that.

The first being that I have been pumping out applications and passing out resumes like some sort of madwoman. 

I have come to the realization that I cannot depend on a  man to provide for myself or my children.  Call it an insecurity, a lesson learned, pride or my refusal to be held captive by the idea of being "provided" for, but I am actively searching with a torn heart for a career.

Why the torn heart? Because whenever I look at my children, especially my little Aiden I think about someone else raising them, someone other than me that will be the center or their childhood world.

Second, has been some hard self reflection in counseling, but that is something for myself, because I'm still mulling over the discoveries.

What I know for now is that my frustration with J-- is increasing.  The bitter part of me says that at least a sugar momma will be having loads of sex. The hopeful part of me says he's over 90 days sober! But he's not working until the "legal" stuff gets worked out...and that is when?
My patience is coming to a Phantom moment...you know, past the point of no return.

And than today a text from his dad saying that at the end of the month no more health insurance...which means that my 5 month old who has kidney issues will be without coverage.

And yet my outward reaction is that of an observer. I think that is what is keeping my sanity as I persevere.
I will be the mother and provider of my children.

Now, to send out more resumes.