A Little Lost

Have you ever had the feeling of being a little lost and yet you are exactly where you are suppose to be?
Yeah-I'm in that place.
It's not a "bad" or "good" place, it's one of those times where I'm trying to not be an observer of my life but to take responsibility for my stance on this path.

So here I am, a mother of three, working to provide the basics (and I feel pretty good about that). I have a fiance; except that hasn't worked out according to my plans! I don't know why I am so surprised, it is what is to be expected when one falls in love and chooses to love an alcoholic.

The difference I suppose is with James being in jail I am able to gain some perspective in this whole ugly process.  I know that I have some responsibility for not saying, "NO, you will not hurt me." Not that I am responsible for his actions, but I am for my silence.

So no more secrets, I held onto them for many years with my first marriage, a little less time with this relationship, and for the future, all I know is no more hurting Elizabeth.

Tomorrow he will have served half of his two consecutive 90 day sentences.  At first 90 days doesn't seem like much, but when you have to live them, they are.
It's a strange place to be where I miss him so much.  I really long for the "Sober James" and I hope that he exits jail with a plan, a REAL plan.
Because after 90 days he has 90 days house arrest, and 5 years probation. I hope to god that they may consider some sort of work release for him. I would really appreciate his income...but we'll see.

I've already had a couple friends choose to not be a part of my life anymore because of him. Not that I blame them, I can see where their distrust, distaste, and disappointment come in. At the same time it still hurts.
I've had others who experience the same but they still love me, they still love my kids, they are still REAL and I appreciate and respect that more than most will know.

As with most things it's a waiting game, and I'm not very patient :)