Mother's Milk

Last night while I was feeding Little Aiden I had a full blown realization that this will be the last child I will be breast feeding and I cried.
It wasn't a sad nor a happy cry, but a cry of acceptance.  You know, where only tears fall, no sounds are made and in the moment  you accept that it is what it is.

And the imagery of Imbolc is not lost on me. For those of you who may not be familiar with the wheel of the year it is a time of year traditionally associated with the onset of lactation of ewes, soon to give birth to the spring lambs.
It continues to remember the returning of the sun and the quickening of Spring.

I already know what my private gift will be to give.
I just need to figure out the prayer to say.

Maybe as soon as the dry wall guy finishes patching the closet some quiet reflection can open my ears so that I can hear her whisper.

Home, Hearth and Health

The peppermint oil bubbles on candle lit burners throughout my home.
It seems the 24 hr. stomach bug has visited us.
Kathryn down and up,
Liam down wanting to be up...
Hopefully breast milk works its magic on Little A,
prenatals for me,
and for the man who takes care of us all; I hope these little things continue to pierce his heart and sow seeds deep, deep down.

Aw seeds, I have been dreaming of planting. I miss my raised beds full of tomatoes, lettuce, purple bell peppers, squash, onions and mums. Every other week I see what is no longer mine and it makes me sad. For so long I wanted a little patch of earth to call my own and when it was finally allowed I had it for a season.
Instead I look through the pictures from Territorial seed company (thanks to my Beauty)

Everything seems to be in restart mode and I have to slow down.
I have to think of my hidden name, Cerelisa, Springtime.
I am after all an Aries.
I just don't know how many more refining fires I can experience :)

For now I'll keep moving, step by step, down a path towards a secret garden.

Growing Roots

It seems strange to me that in this time of winter I am attempting to grow roots.
As with many things this year; things are not what they seem.

There has been purging, organizing, chaos, and when possible sleep. 

I am beyond exhausted and look forward to when I can light the sage and breathe in the cleansing aroma and say a prayer of protection over this new chapter.

I am a mother with three children who needs to find her inner peace...who would have thought that some of that would come through 12 steps...a higher power, my goddess who is finding me as I reach for her.

Round and Round

The wheel goes round and round, pattern in and pattern out.
And I wonder on what Wheel of Fortune tag it will land on.

Many changes these past 8 weeks; baby born, adjustment for all involved, tempers flare, boundary lines drawn, crossed, redrawn, baby grows as all children do and here I am with the thoughts in my head spinning. Do I abandon all walls and allow myself to fall up or fall down? Maybe it's not that at all...

Every other week I study, not "religiously" but to grown in body, mind and spirit. Spirit, where have you been? You have been elusive like the Autumn wind and yet I know you surround me.

I finally found my lady after searching for months and months and she gently hangs by my heart.
Ah, my heart...to figure out what that is outside of children, to claim it as my own and to decide if I truly will give it away.

I haven't slept in months; can't tell from my writing can you? :)