A Fresh Start

I have never witnessed the connection that Aiden and James have...baby and daddy. I pray that as time passes that this bond will continue to grow in strength, love, mutual respect and joy as the years pass quickly to boy and dad, father and son, to that of friends.

James and I have had our tensions, but this past month we both are in a different mind set, a different zone if you will...the family zone. Not that we weren't a family before, but let's be honest the bonding of blood changes things not only for James and I but for Kathryn and Liam as well.
We are a more solidified family, and for this moment and those that are to come I think I can let my guard down a bit more.

And the beat goes on...

Not as much time has passed as I had originally thought.
But there were so many times over the past couple weeks where I wanted to get on to write but just couldn't bring myself to do so.

In 19 days I will be in the hospital giving birth to a baby.  Wish I could let you know if it's a boy or girl but we won't know until baby is delivered.

So among all of the nesting, resting, excitement and anticipation, insecurities also creep in...and I have some choices to make. And you know what I've realized; I am not one that enjoys making decisions. It's the people pleaser in me and yet I think it can also be perceived as an abdication of responsibility.

And I have a lot to be responsible for.

What I do know is that I cannot endure another relationship with a crazy ex...so if circumstances end up where that is even a remote possibility, I hate to say it, but I'm over and out.  At least that's how I'm feeling for now...

Busy, busy, busy

The road to hell is paved with good intentions; a bit dramatic I know, but it seems that remembering to keep this updated fits that proverbial saying.

I should just put a reminder in my calendar: UPDATE BLOG
Though I'm sure only a few close friends actually read it.

So this past week, James was in a boating accident where the cooling system blew all over his face and torso. Somehow he had sense to immediately jump into the river and the 4.5 hours it took to get the boat back to dock he was soaking a sweatshirt in the Columbia River and placing on his face and body.

Thankfully, it was not as bad as it could have been, but seeing someone you love suffer with first and second degree burns makes you feel helpless as you are unable to provide them with relief.

There was also a very attentive nurse, who unlike the doctor (who fulfilled the stereotype of a good looking, arrogant, Grey's Anatomy actor), who was an angel.

In other random news, the baby is doing well and next week I meet with the OB to set the actual c-section date and than begin the twice a week stress tests.  There is also one more ultrasound scheduled to make see if the left kidney is still measuring large on the baby...at this point I can't even think about it and I'm not going to worry.  It could mean possible surgery a month after the baby is born or it may even self correct!

Today is Wednesday so after cleaning I get to pick up my other two munchkins where the next couple of days we will be camped by the swimming pool and sucking on ice.
Tomorrow school shopping begins...hooray. At least it will be a break from the 100 degree weather.

Keep hydrated and cool friends!

Time Passing

Once again, I am amazed at how quickly time passes.
When I realize that it has been about a month I try not to feel a sense of failure at maintaining a consistent blog.
But than I look at what the purpose of why I started to write it to begin with than I allow myself to breathe, accept that life happens, and there are times when the need for a nap beats out the need to write.
I wonder if that is a sign of depression, or just being shy of 9 weeks until I birth a new little one.
Maybe both.
So I am slowly adjusting that I only see my children every other week. No, that's not right, I'll never adjust, but eventually hope to come to some sort of acceptance. Because the reality is that it is what it is and I am powerless to control it.
There have been lots of positives as well. I have done lots of camping, walking through woods and desert, enjoying the movement of the baby, being with my children, reading, barbequing, and the such.
Yet, there is still a part of me wandering...maybe the hormones of the pregnancy, maybe it's the work of grieving not raising my kids, maybe I need to know that there are times where it is ok to be sad.
 Sometimes things feel unanswered, they seem to not be tied in a pretty little bow, sometimes life feels disconnected, kind of like the ending of this entry! 

Little voices on the phone

Initial response after talking to my little ones after their first day of childcare:

So this is what it is like to feel anger…no it’s deeper.  It was this feeling I was trying to avoid during my whole divorce.

It was the reason I stayed so long in a marriage that I was deeply unhappy with.

Why is it whenever someone says that they love you that it is viewed as free license to behave or act in whatever way they see fit?

I remember the first time that happened.

I was seven.

It was friendship, friends do this, I love you, and than the hurt.  But I have to act as if nothing happened to keep a secret of shameful behaviors.  And so I am silent.

I am after all being wooed by love, demands and secrets.

And sadly, that is something that I have adopted as normal. For men to have the license to say or do what they need to as long as I was deluded into thinking I was loved. In all honesty they weren’t the only sick ones.

One day in my marriage I woke up.  It was either divorce or seriously just disappearing. And by that I mean running away where no one would know me or my secrets. Avoidance is my go to, my comfort.

But you can’t avoid the pain of divorce. Or is this how my ex must have felt when his perception of an unjustified divorce moved forward and our family broken. That is something I did.

I just couldn’t stand to hear the “I love you” one more time.  I didn’t want that puppet string holding onto me any more and so I cut it.

In all things civil we agreed on a 50/50 visitation. I didn’t ask for child support or alimony. I just wanted to still be the child care provider while the ex worked.

Verbal agreements, what are they? But what are marriage vows that I walked away from? I suppose in all things equal this is Karma.

But it is painful. I know I will adjust, I know I will cope. I’ve had to do it before when my daughter died, my foster son removed from our home. You think my heart would be a bit more harden. I suppose that is the grace and curse of pregnancy hormones.

It’s the limbo that scares me. Ok, ok, it’s the lack of control.  I swear that if I hear one more I love you I will lose it because every part of my being wants to scream FUCK YOU!!!! 

Some things never change.  My ex will always view this divorce as something that caught him off guard, my infidelity, my responsibility and my punishment.

Just like being seven I believe it’s  entirely my fault. This is mine to fix or mine to bear and eventually I’ll catalog the agony in the back of my brain, at least I can pray that this avoidance takes place quickly because to feel all of this…it’s just overwhelming.

Changes

Many changes are happening; some wonderful, some difficult and some a little of both.

This past weekend my boyfriend and I had a wonderful time camping with some very special people and the course of events drew us closer and opened us both up to talking, sharing fears, hopes and dreams, and I think just resolving our commitment to each other.

And what a great thing that is indeed as this morning, prior to my picking up the children I was informed that I will no longer be the childcare provider to the two little ones during my ex-husbands legal visitation time per the parenting plan.

We have a 50/50 custody plan and as he works full time during the day we had a verbal agreement that he would pay me $75/every two weeks to provide care for our children ages 4 & 6. We agreed that this was in the best interest of Kathryn and Liam.

As it is now summer he has had to drop and pick up the children from my apartment that I share with my boyfriend. During the school year he dropped off Kathryn and would than pick her up from the bus stop.
Apparently this past week he saw James in the parking lot and that didn't sit to well with him.

So call me a bitch but it is black and white from here on out, the legal visitation for the paperwork is the legal visitation. No flexibility. I can't be yanked around when it comes to the care of the kids, they need a firm schedule that they can visibly see so that they can have a set routine.

Honestly, there are a tone of thoughts/feelings running through me right now, but I think I have them sorted out.
Hey, at least I got to be there helping my little girl through Kindergarten.

Pain, Love and Moving Forward

I recently posted this little thought of mine on Facebook,
"I have held so many broken pieces of my life already.
On a few occasions I have felt like throwing them in the air and hoping that the wind would blow them away... but inevitably they land like stones at my feet. I must pick them up and hold them, looking to see what I can learn.  I lay the shards in front of me and a path is formed; not a perfect walk way by any means.  Rather it is now my work to labor, to move forward, and to no longer carry a burden of brokenness as punishment."

One thing I am learning about relationships is that there really is no normal. I can compare and contrast the good, bad and ugly but the reality is that the "normal" can only be established by the relationships that I maintain. That is the litmus test as they say.

And so I go from one relationship where arguments were few and far between (totally not normal) to one where the disagreements tend to occur on a more regular weekly basis. And after a lot of thinking I don't think this is normal either.

The disagreements are never "let's agree to disagree" and amicable but he is left feeling frustrated and not heard and I'm just confused and hurt.
One thing from my previous marriage that took years for me to learn was to not let others perception of who I am be the truth of who I am.
Sadly, if I was able to define this for myself earlier I would have been a much stronger woman.

I know I am a caring and kind woman. Yet I am told that when I ask a question such as, "Would you like to watch a detective show?" It becomes an intense one-sided conversation where I never say what I want, I ask questions to get what I want as a form of manipulation and/or deflection, and that I can't answer a simple yes or no question.  Inevitably this is followed by a quiet spell and a text telling me not to worry about lunch, chores, plans, etc. that he took care of it.

It seems that he wants me to just say what I want.

When the time comes for things that I do want I say them.  Most of the time, because we both enjoy similar things, I want to hear what he would like to do; especially on the weekends because he does work so hard for our family.  I consider it my joy and pleasure to do those family things, or couple things together. I consider it honoring him if  he also needs those alone moments as well.

But it isn't received that way. Instead what I would consider my kindness and caring is rejected and turned instead to an awful character flaw and that is just hurtful. And I will not your characterization and take on the punishment of your distrust.