As I Roved Out

It seems as if things are at a gentle standstill; but for myself my inner spirit is truly fire.

I have taken very few moments for myself as of late and there are a multitude of reasons for that.

The first being that I have been pumping out applications and passing out resumes like some sort of madwoman. 

I have come to the realization that I cannot depend on a  man to provide for myself or my children.  Call it an insecurity, a lesson learned, pride or my refusal to be held captive by the idea of being "provided" for, but I am actively searching with a torn heart for a career.

Why the torn heart? Because whenever I look at my children, especially my little Aiden I think about someone else raising them, someone other than me that will be the center or their childhood world.

Second, has been some hard self reflection in counseling, but that is something for myself, because I'm still mulling over the discoveries.

What I know for now is that my frustration with J-- is increasing.  The bitter part of me says that at least a sugar momma will be having loads of sex. The hopeful part of me says he's over 90 days sober! But he's not working until the "legal" stuff gets worked out...and that is when?
My patience is coming to a Phantom moment...you know, past the point of no return.

And than today a text from his dad saying that at the end of the month no more health insurance...which means that my 5 month old who has kidney issues will be without coverage.

And yet my outward reaction is that of an observer. I think that is what is keeping my sanity as I persevere.
I will be the mother and provider of my children.

Now, to send out more resumes.

Walking

I have been doing a lot of walking as of late.
In the sun mixed with showers, in the fog, in the pouring rain, I bundle up Aiden, into the walking/biking stroller he goes and we are off!

Did you know that your body automatically starts to process information when you walk. Think of it as an active mental exercise. As you walk and forward your mind is able to move forward. I dare not walk backward!

In between play time, housework, and my business I have found a time to spruce up my resume to see what is out there. I don't know if I'll hear anything but I have to cover my bases and make sure that as a divorced woman of three I can provide for my children no matter what the cost may be. Hopefully at a minimal price to be paid my children.

Thankfully we have castles to draw and play inside, books to read, music to dance and let our hair down, and paths to walk!

Mother's Milk

Last night while I was feeding Little Aiden I had a full blown realization that this will be the last child I will be breast feeding and I cried.
It wasn't a sad nor a happy cry, but a cry of acceptance.  You know, where only tears fall, no sounds are made and in the moment  you accept that it is what it is.

And the imagery of Imbolc is not lost on me. For those of you who may not be familiar with the wheel of the year it is a time of year traditionally associated with the onset of lactation of ewes, soon to give birth to the spring lambs.
It continues to remember the returning of the sun and the quickening of Spring.

I already know what my private gift will be to give.
I just need to figure out the prayer to say.

Maybe as soon as the dry wall guy finishes patching the closet some quiet reflection can open my ears so that I can hear her whisper.