Too Long, too long

Well LOTS has been happening the past couple of months.
Mostly, I am back to work...I forget how working just 40 hours a week makes the time go by so quickly.  Thankfully I enjoy my job and have even made a few lunch time buddies.
The stories I can tell of my time there, but that will have to wait for another entry :)

I have been going to several Al-anon meetings which have been somewhat helpful...but...yes there is a but! They "say" there is no religious blah, blah, blah, but the slogans, the surrender to a higher power's will (who is most always male with an occasional nod to non-gender specific) has become to feel somewhat uncomfortable. 

I talked about this with James who has similar concerns because of the "addictive" nature of some of those groups. Not that the initial support may be helpful to some but if you haven't grown up in an Christian home or no longer subscribe to Christian beliefs it begins to feel...what's the word?

Anyway look at what he found: http://www.smartrecovery.org/

It will be interesting to see the difference of a non-spiritual based group in mindsets and self discovery.
As we have been talking he appears to be over the fact of alcoholism as a disease (though he doesn't discount it) but wants to focus it more on behavior/choice. So since he is required to do some sort of alcohol and Domestic Violence therapy it will be behavioral based....it's sort of strange this whole self discovery thing.

It's not that the 12 steps aren't helpful, but surrendering to yourself and the CHOICES made by yourself is a much more difficult task than surrendering your will to a higher power. It makes the individual responsible not only for the hurt they have caused but also for the healing that is ongoing.

I will have to shift my expectations from the cultural expectation of attending a traditional 12 step program and in someways I will be dealing with myself. Hey, I got a head start in my pagan mindset! Because my actions have a direct impact on my surroundings :)
I am not a puppet to god, my higher power and I, at the very least can be co-conspirators, mutually adoring each other and challenging preconceived notions of divine relationship.

In other news my little altar space outside needs to be watered and than it's off to work! After all, despite the hardship of the past 6 months I have continued living! How blessed I am in friends and fortune.

Al-anon, the goddess and me

If you know me than  you know that I love an alcoholic, and not any type of alcoholic, the Hekal and Jekell kind.

So in order to create some support and understanding for some of the things headed my way I have searched out Al-anon and it has been life changing. Of course, there is a Higher Power aspect, something everyone is free to choose, and despite the male centric phrasing I have asked the goddess to walk with me, because I don't know where this path will lead.

And this morning, my daily meditation was bookmarked with a piece of paper that had this to say,

I want to love you without
   clutching
Appreciate you without
   judging
join you without invading
invite you without
   demanding
leave you without guilt
criticize you without
   blaming
and help you without
   insulting
if I can have the same
   from you
we can truly meet and
   enrich each other.

When I am at meetings I do not feel so alone, it is my own coven so to speak. The place where for a little while I can put down my burden and express my joys, hopes, fears and frustrations. Where there is the ritual of prayer, the assurance of confidentiality, and encouragement to seek information and to be open with my higher  power.

There are changes coming, because life is a breathing organism that retracts and expands, death and rebirth, despair and hope.

Tonight is another opportunity for me to walk with my goddess, I've never needed her strength and inspiration more in my life.

A Little Lost

Have you ever had the feeling of being a little lost and yet you are exactly where you are suppose to be?
Yeah-I'm in that place.
It's not a "bad" or "good" place, it's one of those times where I'm trying to not be an observer of my life but to take responsibility for my stance on this path.

So here I am, a mother of three, working to provide the basics (and I feel pretty good about that). I have a fiance; except that hasn't worked out according to my plans! I don't know why I am so surprised, it is what is to be expected when one falls in love and chooses to love an alcoholic.

The difference I suppose is with James being in jail I am able to gain some perspective in this whole ugly process.  I know that I have some responsibility for not saying, "NO, you will not hurt me." Not that I am responsible for his actions, but I am for my silence.

So no more secrets, I held onto them for many years with my first marriage, a little less time with this relationship, and for the future, all I know is no more hurting Elizabeth.

Tomorrow he will have served half of his two consecutive 90 day sentences.  At first 90 days doesn't seem like much, but when you have to live them, they are.
It's a strange place to be where I miss him so much.  I really long for the "Sober James" and I hope that he exits jail with a plan, a REAL plan.
Because after 90 days he has 90 days house arrest, and 5 years probation. I hope to god that they may consider some sort of work release for him. I would really appreciate his income...but we'll see.

I've already had a couple friends choose to not be a part of my life anymore because of him. Not that I blame them, I can see where their distrust, distaste, and disappointment come in. At the same time it still hurts.
I've had others who experience the same but they still love me, they still love my kids, they are still REAL and I appreciate and respect that more than most will know.

As with most things it's a waiting game, and I'm not very patient :)

Dream Job

If one has to leave their children in the care of someone else, at least I can say it is not out of a "job necessity"; you know the job you have to do in order to provide for your family.
That is an aspect to be sure but at least I am fortunate enough to say that I believe I have my dream job.

I am officially the Activities Coordinator at The Quarry (senior retirement center). I will be facilitating activities and creating new relationships with old people! I know that there are bound to be administrative issues, curmudgeonly person from time to time, but the positives- listening to others stories, helping to improve end of life experiences is something that I know will be a blessing!

Not the ideal pay, not the ideal hours, but I have learned that life is less than ideal-is it the attitude one chooses to live into that makes the difference.

On other things of a more stressful note, James sees his lawyer on Monday. Now that will be interesting. In not so many words (for I have the texts) I may not be allowed in the meeting, depending on what charges he is facing...um, I understand if it is about the situation regarding our domestic abuse...but supposedly this is not about that and I will be damned if $1,500 is being spent and I'm not a part of that conversation!

Other that than Kathryn and Liam are at Disneyland with their dad...a little sad because I wanted to be there, but am so happy at their excitement and I cannot wait to hear about their adventures.

Life will be changing and that change will be fast. Just like Spring in the North West, one moment it is gray rain and the next day it is 66 and sunny!

As I Roved Out

It seems as if things are at a gentle standstill; but for myself my inner spirit is truly fire.

I have taken very few moments for myself as of late and there are a multitude of reasons for that.

The first being that I have been pumping out applications and passing out resumes like some sort of madwoman. 

I have come to the realization that I cannot depend on a  man to provide for myself or my children.  Call it an insecurity, a lesson learned, pride or my refusal to be held captive by the idea of being "provided" for, but I am actively searching with a torn heart for a career.

Why the torn heart? Because whenever I look at my children, especially my little Aiden I think about someone else raising them, someone other than me that will be the center or their childhood world.

Second, has been some hard self reflection in counseling, but that is something for myself, because I'm still mulling over the discoveries.

What I know for now is that my frustration with J-- is increasing.  The bitter part of me says that at least a sugar momma will be having loads of sex. The hopeful part of me says he's over 90 days sober! But he's not working until the "legal" stuff gets worked out...and that is when?
My patience is coming to a Phantom moment...you know, past the point of no return.

And than today a text from his dad saying that at the end of the month no more health insurance...which means that my 5 month old who has kidney issues will be without coverage.

And yet my outward reaction is that of an observer. I think that is what is keeping my sanity as I persevere.
I will be the mother and provider of my children.

Now, to send out more resumes.

Walking

I have been doing a lot of walking as of late.
In the sun mixed with showers, in the fog, in the pouring rain, I bundle up Aiden, into the walking/biking stroller he goes and we are off!

Did you know that your body automatically starts to process information when you walk. Think of it as an active mental exercise. As you walk and forward your mind is able to move forward. I dare not walk backward!

In between play time, housework, and my business I have found a time to spruce up my resume to see what is out there. I don't know if I'll hear anything but I have to cover my bases and make sure that as a divorced woman of three I can provide for my children no matter what the cost may be. Hopefully at a minimal price to be paid my children.

Thankfully we have castles to draw and play inside, books to read, music to dance and let our hair down, and paths to walk!

Mother's Milk

Last night while I was feeding Little Aiden I had a full blown realization that this will be the last child I will be breast feeding and I cried.
It wasn't a sad nor a happy cry, but a cry of acceptance.  You know, where only tears fall, no sounds are made and in the moment  you accept that it is what it is.

And the imagery of Imbolc is not lost on me. For those of you who may not be familiar with the wheel of the year it is a time of year traditionally associated with the onset of lactation of ewes, soon to give birth to the spring lambs.
It continues to remember the returning of the sun and the quickening of Spring.

I already know what my private gift will be to give.
I just need to figure out the prayer to say.

Maybe as soon as the dry wall guy finishes patching the closet some quiet reflection can open my ears so that I can hear her whisper.