Growing Roots

It seems strange to me that in this time of winter I am attempting to grow roots.
As with many things this year; things are not what they seem.

There has been purging, organizing, chaos, and when possible sleep. 

I am beyond exhausted and look forward to when I can light the sage and breathe in the cleansing aroma and say a prayer of protection over this new chapter.

I am a mother with three children who needs to find her inner peace...who would have thought that some of that would come through 12 steps...a higher power, my goddess who is finding me as I reach for her.

Round and Round

The wheel goes round and round, pattern in and pattern out.
And I wonder on what Wheel of Fortune tag it will land on.

Many changes these past 8 weeks; baby born, adjustment for all involved, tempers flare, boundary lines drawn, crossed, redrawn, baby grows as all children do and here I am with the thoughts in my head spinning. Do I abandon all walls and allow myself to fall up or fall down? Maybe it's not that at all...

Every other week I study, not "religiously" but to grown in body, mind and spirit. Spirit, where have you been? You have been elusive like the Autumn wind and yet I know you surround me.

I finally found my lady after searching for months and months and she gently hangs by my heart.
Ah, my heart...to figure out what that is outside of children, to claim it as my own and to decide if I truly will give it away.

I haven't slept in months; can't tell from my writing can you? :)

A Fresh Start

I have never witnessed the connection that Aiden and James have...baby and daddy. I pray that as time passes that this bond will continue to grow in strength, love, mutual respect and joy as the years pass quickly to boy and dad, father and son, to that of friends.

James and I have had our tensions, but this past month we both are in a different mind set, a different zone if you will...the family zone. Not that we weren't a family before, but let's be honest the bonding of blood changes things not only for James and I but for Kathryn and Liam as well.
We are a more solidified family, and for this moment and those that are to come I think I can let my guard down a bit more.

And the beat goes on...

Not as much time has passed as I had originally thought.
But there were so many times over the past couple weeks where I wanted to get on to write but just couldn't bring myself to do so.

In 19 days I will be in the hospital giving birth to a baby.  Wish I could let you know if it's a boy or girl but we won't know until baby is delivered.

So among all of the nesting, resting, excitement and anticipation, insecurities also creep in...and I have some choices to make. And you know what I've realized; I am not one that enjoys making decisions. It's the people pleaser in me and yet I think it can also be perceived as an abdication of responsibility.

And I have a lot to be responsible for.

What I do know is that I cannot endure another relationship with a crazy ex...so if circumstances end up where that is even a remote possibility, I hate to say it, but I'm over and out.  At least that's how I'm feeling for now...

Busy, busy, busy

The road to hell is paved with good intentions; a bit dramatic I know, but it seems that remembering to keep this updated fits that proverbial saying.

I should just put a reminder in my calendar: UPDATE BLOG
Though I'm sure only a few close friends actually read it.

So this past week, James was in a boating accident where the cooling system blew all over his face and torso. Somehow he had sense to immediately jump into the river and the 4.5 hours it took to get the boat back to dock he was soaking a sweatshirt in the Columbia River and placing on his face and body.

Thankfully, it was not as bad as it could have been, but seeing someone you love suffer with first and second degree burns makes you feel helpless as you are unable to provide them with relief.

There was also a very attentive nurse, who unlike the doctor (who fulfilled the stereotype of a good looking, arrogant, Grey's Anatomy actor), who was an angel.

In other random news, the baby is doing well and next week I meet with the OB to set the actual c-section date and than begin the twice a week stress tests.  There is also one more ultrasound scheduled to make see if the left kidney is still measuring large on the baby...at this point I can't even think about it and I'm not going to worry.  It could mean possible surgery a month after the baby is born or it may even self correct!

Today is Wednesday so after cleaning I get to pick up my other two munchkins where the next couple of days we will be camped by the swimming pool and sucking on ice.
Tomorrow school shopping begins...hooray. At least it will be a break from the 100 degree weather.

Keep hydrated and cool friends!

Time Passing

Once again, I am amazed at how quickly time passes.
When I realize that it has been about a month I try not to feel a sense of failure at maintaining a consistent blog.
But than I look at what the purpose of why I started to write it to begin with than I allow myself to breathe, accept that life happens, and there are times when the need for a nap beats out the need to write.
I wonder if that is a sign of depression, or just being shy of 9 weeks until I birth a new little one.
Maybe both.
So I am slowly adjusting that I only see my children every other week. No, that's not right, I'll never adjust, but eventually hope to come to some sort of acceptance. Because the reality is that it is what it is and I am powerless to control it.
There have been lots of positives as well. I have done lots of camping, walking through woods and desert, enjoying the movement of the baby, being with my children, reading, barbequing, and the such.
Yet, there is still a part of me wandering...maybe the hormones of the pregnancy, maybe it's the work of grieving not raising my kids, maybe I need to know that there are times where it is ok to be sad.
 Sometimes things feel unanswered, they seem to not be tied in a pretty little bow, sometimes life feels disconnected, kind of like the ending of this entry! 

Little voices on the phone

Initial response after talking to my little ones after their first day of childcare:

So this is what it is like to feel anger…no it’s deeper.  It was this feeling I was trying to avoid during my whole divorce.

It was the reason I stayed so long in a marriage that I was deeply unhappy with.

Why is it whenever someone says that they love you that it is viewed as free license to behave or act in whatever way they see fit?

I remember the first time that happened.

I was seven.

It was friendship, friends do this, I love you, and than the hurt.  But I have to act as if nothing happened to keep a secret of shameful behaviors.  And so I am silent.

I am after all being wooed by love, demands and secrets.

And sadly, that is something that I have adopted as normal. For men to have the license to say or do what they need to as long as I was deluded into thinking I was loved. In all honesty they weren’t the only sick ones.

One day in my marriage I woke up.  It was either divorce or seriously just disappearing. And by that I mean running away where no one would know me or my secrets. Avoidance is my go to, my comfort.

But you can’t avoid the pain of divorce. Or is this how my ex must have felt when his perception of an unjustified divorce moved forward and our family broken. That is something I did.

I just couldn’t stand to hear the “I love you” one more time.  I didn’t want that puppet string holding onto me any more and so I cut it.

In all things civil we agreed on a 50/50 visitation. I didn’t ask for child support or alimony. I just wanted to still be the child care provider while the ex worked.

Verbal agreements, what are they? But what are marriage vows that I walked away from? I suppose in all things equal this is Karma.

But it is painful. I know I will adjust, I know I will cope. I’ve had to do it before when my daughter died, my foster son removed from our home. You think my heart would be a bit more harden. I suppose that is the grace and curse of pregnancy hormones.

It’s the limbo that scares me. Ok, ok, it’s the lack of control.  I swear that if I hear one more I love you I will lose it because every part of my being wants to scream FUCK YOU!!!! 

Some things never change.  My ex will always view this divorce as something that caught him off guard, my infidelity, my responsibility and my punishment.

Just like being seven I believe it’s  entirely my fault. This is mine to fix or mine to bear and eventually I’ll catalog the agony in the back of my brain, at least I can pray that this avoidance takes place quickly because to feel all of this…it’s just overwhelming.

Changes

Many changes are happening; some wonderful, some difficult and some a little of both.

This past weekend my boyfriend and I had a wonderful time camping with some very special people and the course of events drew us closer and opened us both up to talking, sharing fears, hopes and dreams, and I think just resolving our commitment to each other.

And what a great thing that is indeed as this morning, prior to my picking up the children I was informed that I will no longer be the childcare provider to the two little ones during my ex-husbands legal visitation time per the parenting plan.

We have a 50/50 custody plan and as he works full time during the day we had a verbal agreement that he would pay me $75/every two weeks to provide care for our children ages 4 & 6. We agreed that this was in the best interest of Kathryn and Liam.

As it is now summer he has had to drop and pick up the children from my apartment that I share with my boyfriend. During the school year he dropped off Kathryn and would than pick her up from the bus stop.
Apparently this past week he saw James in the parking lot and that didn't sit to well with him.

So call me a bitch but it is black and white from here on out, the legal visitation for the paperwork is the legal visitation. No flexibility. I can't be yanked around when it comes to the care of the kids, they need a firm schedule that they can visibly see so that they can have a set routine.

Honestly, there are a tone of thoughts/feelings running through me right now, but I think I have them sorted out.
Hey, at least I got to be there helping my little girl through Kindergarten.

Pain, Love and Moving Forward

I recently posted this little thought of mine on Facebook,
"I have held so many broken pieces of my life already.
On a few occasions I have felt like throwing them in the air and hoping that the wind would blow them away... but inevitably they land like stones at my feet. I must pick them up and hold them, looking to see what I can learn.  I lay the shards in front of me and a path is formed; not a perfect walk way by any means.  Rather it is now my work to labor, to move forward, and to no longer carry a burden of brokenness as punishment."

One thing I am learning about relationships is that there really is no normal. I can compare and contrast the good, bad and ugly but the reality is that the "normal" can only be established by the relationships that I maintain. That is the litmus test as they say.

And so I go from one relationship where arguments were few and far between (totally not normal) to one where the disagreements tend to occur on a more regular weekly basis. And after a lot of thinking I don't think this is normal either.

The disagreements are never "let's agree to disagree" and amicable but he is left feeling frustrated and not heard and I'm just confused and hurt.
One thing from my previous marriage that took years for me to learn was to not let others perception of who I am be the truth of who I am.
Sadly, if I was able to define this for myself earlier I would have been a much stronger woman.

I know I am a caring and kind woman. Yet I am told that when I ask a question such as, "Would you like to watch a detective show?" It becomes an intense one-sided conversation where I never say what I want, I ask questions to get what I want as a form of manipulation and/or deflection, and that I can't answer a simple yes or no question.  Inevitably this is followed by a quiet spell and a text telling me not to worry about lunch, chores, plans, etc. that he took care of it.

It seems that he wants me to just say what I want.

When the time comes for things that I do want I say them.  Most of the time, because we both enjoy similar things, I want to hear what he would like to do; especially on the weekends because he does work so hard for our family.  I consider it my joy and pleasure to do those family things, or couple things together. I consider it honoring him if  he also needs those alone moments as well.

But it isn't received that way. Instead what I would consider my kindness and caring is rejected and turned instead to an awful character flaw and that is just hurtful. And I will not your characterization and take on the punishment of your distrust.

It's a little shady

Trust me, I wish I were talking about sun relief from the branches of a mighty oak, but no-I'm not that lucky.

There are very few things that when said to me set me off. In my first marriage it was being told that I was crazy.
In my new relationship it's being told that I'm shady.

I know I am not perfect, but "shady" is not a word I would use to describe my imperfections. What makes this accusation even more annoying is that it is rarely said to my face. Rather, it's sent in a text...can I just say that I think that is in one word: shitty.

There are some things I have matured in and one lesson I have learned is I will not accept others characterizations of me that are not my truth.
 If that is their opinion or their feeling than they better preface what they are going to say using that phrasing. When it is said as I fact I will reject it by simply stating I am not....fill in the blank....

It also seems that these conversations take place after something nice is done or happens. For instance the weekend was a blast and yesterday it was my son's birthday. That evening they went home to their dad's. Every Tuesday through Friday evening my boyfriend has class, so I didn't think it a big deal that I told a girl friend of mine that during that time I could look at some baby furniture.

While in route that's when I get the text, "you are shady." My usual response would be to swallow my pride and try to pacify; deep down I'm a people pleaser.
But not this time. This time I got pissed. I responded with "I am not shady. I am not an evil woman. I am looking at baby furniture." And than I did not respond to any more texts.

And later on that evening when the "conversation" took place, it didn't end so well.

Whenever there are flowers given, or a nice weekend, or a celebratory time (like my birthday) that's when this accusation of shadiness comes up and I'm growing weary of it.
I had my spirit trampled down before I will not be down trodden again.

I am a woman, I am strong, I am love, I am friend.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that

Well, these past few days have been "interesting" and by interesting I mean highs, lows and the first bought of summer depression.

I'm sure that this will be TMI so consider this fair warning:...I am sex depraved.
I am seriously considering buying a friend of the vibrating nature. Perhaps this is a bit of an over reaction from my pregnant hormones, but I can only be told no so many times.
There are so many excuses of "I'm tired" or "I'm not as horny as you" that I can hear before I start to wonder what is wrong with me?
Granted, if it were my way I'd be knocking it out every day, but I can compromise, every other day; maybe every two. But it's been nearly a week and with a full Memorial Day Weekend coming up where there will be little privacy chances are that the time line will extend far beyond.
So I'm a little bit more cranky, a little bit more retreated into myself and to be honest a little depressed.
And I don't really feel like I can talk about it.
So you get to read about it.

I realize I have more to offer than sex, but this is the time in my life where I revel in being a sexual being.  I'm a woman in her early 30's who knows what she wants and I'm pregnant. I feel beautiful and sexy. And lately it's just been my imagination and magic fingers that provide any time of release.

I hate to even entertain the thought but I wonder if it's maybe the pregnancy...I suppose it could be. I don't know.

In all things Freudian, my little guy turns four next week.
And his dad and I will be celebrating separately. The divorce in someways has been harder on Bill but maybe that's because I'm so good at building walls and because for so long I desired to be free.
And that leads back to summer depression. My children are growing up so quickly. Time passes more quickly than I care to think about.
It's a summer funk. Maybe the forest is just what I needed this weekend.
Yes, the forest and my children...the only things that are truly mine.

Many things

So, I had promised myself that I would be much better about keeping up this particular blog.
In true to life fashion there has been several things that have prevented me from writing.

One it processing information and having to move around doctor dates as James and I hope for the best in the development of our baby.
Some tests came back on a quad screen that flagged a warning for Down Syndrome as well as Trisomny  18. 
Being pregnant and already having a full term still born I of course had a mini breakdown.

Thank goodness for female friends who had a listening ear, encouragement and advice to help walk me away from the emotional ledge I was teetering on.  I love James but he wasn't helpful; at all.

After  meeting with the Obgyn as well as discussing possible scenarios I have peace for no matter what may happen.

The most exciting part is that there is new diagnostic testing that will provide a conclusive yes or no with out having to have the usual amniocentesis or the biopsy of the placenta. There is now a blood test that they do, so no harm to baby or momma, and if you need a yes or no answer, this is the way to do it!

In other news with Memorial Day Weekend approaching James, the kids and I will be at a bbq over at my parents house where they surprisingly invited my brother and his boyfriend (in the words of Nate, might as well deal with all the awkwardness at once). We have a bet on which one of our boyfriends will feel most scrutinized, bahahahaha!!!! But I'm also very proud of my parents for moving forward through their own insecurities and constructs of their religious beliefs to have all of us in their home.

Too bad I can't drink...

A Beautiful Weekend

Eventually I will figure out how to post pictures on this blog.
But for now mediocre descriptions will have to do.

This past weekend was beautiful. 
It started off with hearing my baby's heartbeat, a strong 140 beats per minute.
If anything this gives me a little peace knowing that the little one is alive and well.

So far in the name game we have Elyssa Amber if it's a girl & Christopher James if it's a boy. But that is only so far, the reality for both James and myself in finding a name just makes everything very real.

After my appointment we packed up the family and headed out to Mayfield Lake. This was Kathryn and Liam's first fishing adventure. Meant to be more for the experience and practice of baiting, casting and waiting we were all surprised when James caught a fish. Being too small to eat we released it back to the lake and with a splashing flourish the fish took off.

S'mores, hot dogs, stories around the fire, followed by a full moon. I took some time to myself and walked down to the lake where I sat and just bathed in the moonbeams.

The next day we hiked around the area. Kathryn & James took off fishing again while Liam and I took a much needed rest.

On Sunday I had another hike with my dear one and it was a muddy, fun time.  I really enjoyed the glimpses of people riding their horses on the trails and eventually we found a clearing where time could be set a side for ritual.

Some of the highlights were learning a chant, exchanging blessings with the anointing of oil, getting "leied" and an indulgence in drinking moscoto wine :)
Of course there was the fun of exploring and just being with her as well-a brief escape into the woods.

Overall, it was a beautiful weekend.

May Day Reflections

I have one very special girlfriend that I consider a lover.
Not in the sexual, seductive way; though she has those qualities.
But something deeper than the Anne of Green Gables, "bosom friend" kind of way.

It has been over five years since our friendship began the bonding process.
She was one of the few people that met me in the midst of such sorrow and despair that I only vaguely remember her presence.

She was a woman who bravely walked into my pain of delivering my still born daughter. I do not remember words that were exchanged but just her presence.
I do not know if she'll ever realize the gift of those moments.

The amazing thing is she has done this for others, being made available in their time of need.

Over the years we shared, grew, laughed, cried and vented through many things. And through it all she never judged, but would still give opinions, she never withdrew but gently guided, and she always loved me.

And so I hope you get some sense of the depth of feeling and loyalty I have towards my friend.

This past weekend my boyfriend (my lover, lover) and I went camping and explored a wilderness trail. It was fantastic! And while we were walking I kept thinking of my female friend knowing she would have relished this adventure.
We started off through a field that we affectionately labeled "Caterpillar Hill".
James and I had to walk lightly on the path as we encountered at least a hundred caterpillars soaking in the sun on the tall grassy stalks.
Than down we went into the woods, on a foot trail that revealed the creek with the beautiful waterfall.
As we began the trek back up to our campsite, dusk had come and the salamanders slithered all over the warm, muddy trail before the night came with its cooling presence.

In those moments I was completely at peace, happy, full of joy.

This weekend my friend and I will explore another trail.
This time I look forward to the celebration of summer approaching and reflecting on the blessings of being connected to such a dear one.

This May Day has birthed many things, new relationships, a pregnancy and revealed true friendships. I am truly a fortunate woman.

I Am Present

I have had some intense meditative sessions these past few days.

Some lessons are a relief to learn but to live them is a completely different matter.

The phrase/prayer I have been focusing on is:

“The past is over; the future isn’t here so I am free from both. I am Present.”

I like this better than the cliché phrase often heard about, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift that’s why they call it the present.” Not that this phrase doesn’t have its own meaning, but my current lesson of being free from both is a perspective I had not thought of.

For one thing I reminded of the constructions I build to keep myself a prisoner. There is certainly wisdom in looking to the past and applying those lessons to the present. But I often found myself letting those memories dictate my present choices.

It is also wise to consider how ones choices will affect those we live with. However I also found that I was so focused on past memories I was projecting certain future scenarios and than making choices in what I thought would be best for others.

Initially I thought, “This is sacrifice, this is being unselfish.”

And yet after earlier meditation I realized, “This is selfish, this is not a true sacrifice.”

Because ultimately I think a sacrifice somehow is not self serving, and my choices were always to “others benefit”. The reality is that I was/am avoiding my own life.

But for the next two weeks I will be conscience of not doing this.

I will be mindful of the Present and of my presence in it. I will consciously make choices that will not directly harm others but where my actions/thoughts are my responsibility and are in accordance to my purpose.

What are your thoughts of the mantra “I Am Present”?

Five Years Ago...

Tomorrow my daughter would have been five years old.
These past years I have experienced many joys, sorrows and the gentle hum of life continuing on.

With Mychaela's birthday being tomorrow, I am discovering  that the lessons I've learned from the grief are a more integrated part of my life story.
In other words, Mychaela's  death is not as much a singular event that has forever changed me, but now her spirit and her story is woven into my life journey. Her birth and death is becoming a part  of my history and as such after five years, the loss is finally bearable.

I don't know how I'll feel when tomorrow comes, five years seems like an anniversary of  some importance, it's as if the finality is finally my reality.

I appreciate all the love and support of my friends and family.
And Mychaela, I will always love you.

 Mychaela Joelle Sloan, silently born on April 21, 2007

Spring In Full Swing

This Spring is different from past seasons.
Maybe because there is a more physical aspect to the change that has been occurring in my life.
A marriage ended, a new relationship budding.
Five years since my daughter passed and a new baby on the way.
My little ones are growing up, no longer at home with me, my eldest is in kindergarten. She is learning and absorbing so much. Each new discovery is a new joy that she eagerly shares.
The youngest is nearly four and brings such love to my life. He still cuddles close to me and yet his inner pirate leads him into new adventures where problem solving and new story lines are created.
And than my Mychaela; she would have been five this Saturday. And the guilt this year is that it is beginning to feel more like history. Her story and spirit will forever be a part of mine, but the loss is no longer as present. Instead she has gifted me with her guidance, my turmoil has been given some peace.
It has taken five years for the ten months I carried  her in my womb.
My  heart wonders how other parents/spouses are able to cope with those they lost whom they've known for much longer.

The Beat Goes On

First, let me say that I have FINALLY figured out how to use my phone as a modem and so my postings will be more consistent.
I need to write; not that I write well, but I figure that it is one the best tools in trying to maintain some sense of sanity.
My divorce was finalized in March and I have done mostly everything one should not do in this type of situation.

1) In order to get out as quickly as possible I quick deeded the house, did not take any of my ex husband's retirement or investment money from the past ten years, did not request alimony or child support (we agreed that a 50% visitation would be in the best interest our two children).

2) I had an affair and fell in love (more about that later) and we became one of the 1% of couples on birth control who are now expecting (13 weeks)

3) In the midst of all of this I am struggling to keep myself sane and whole. I am successful most of the time, but there are moments where I am completely lost.

This blog is about sharing some aspects of my life. Maybe it will help you avoid or recognize similar pitfalls that you may cross in your own journey.
So here goes:

I am a control freak; to an extent. So the idea of surrender is very scary to me and I hope that one day it will in fact be a sweet process. But for now it's practice; and that is very humbling.  Especially as one who strives to be in control is partly to prevent myself from falling and attempting to not those that I love feel the repercussions of my stumbling.

And yet, that is not quite possible.

I have recently been meditating on brokenness. When things break there is a period of time where the shards of that experience must remain in pieces. My first inclination is to throw a mask on and pretend that everything is all right. I don't want my family or friends to hurt themselves on the slivers that lay on the ground. Or I quickly try to "fix" things but this results in a shoddy rendering of what was.

Being "aware" of the physical or emotional circumstance that is broken is not enough. I have to "accept" and that will in turn lead me towards the path of surrender.

For now I mostly walk that direction with leaden feet, but at least I'm moving.

Starting Over

I initially wrote my first post which started with a sentence that was quite...well revealing and inflammatory (at least to some).  And so while it was extremely cathartic to write out the initial first posting to this blog discretion won over and so I deleted it.
And than I avoided it.

But you know what? Life is too short and I have been holding so much in for so long that it seems with this "start over" I might as well.

And so ending a marriage, breaking up my family, it doesn't quite seem sincere to call it starting over.  Rather it is a continuation of the soap opera that I have made my life.

It's kind of sad to be married to someone for nearly nine years and only after you leave do they begin to express the depth of their love for you and how they treasure your friendship.
I try to not let it affect me. I'm wary of the manipulation and scared to death of the reality that things would slip into their normal that eventually caused me to fly away.

Besides, there are secrets...which will be revealed, dear reader, in time.

The reality is that there are children involved and so names/places will obviously be changed and some details will be left out, because ultimately being a mom comes before telling my story.

And there will be posts that have nothing what so ever to deal with my life, because let's face it, sometimes I need a break from my life!

I'm  a 32 year old woman, with two beautiful living children and continuing my story...I just need to figure out how I want this to end.